


Waking the Lich

by LD_Little_Dragon



Category: Baldur's Gate
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:25:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2212242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LD_Little_Dragon/pseuds/LD_Little_Dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set centuries after Throne of Bhaal: A group of first level adventurers stumble across an old ally of the Bhaalspawn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Waking the Lich

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: if undead NPC's dropping body parts upsets you - don't read this story.

"There it is, lads. Just where the old seer told us it would be," Bret Steelaxe said. He stood in a heroic pose, legs braced, chest out, and brandished a highly polished (but otherwise ordinary) warhammer in the direction of a stone castle, barely visible through a dense forest of trees.

"The ill-famed Dead Keep," Bret's brother, Karka, said cheerfully. He was dressed in chainmail, like his brother, but held a musket, instead of a warhammer, in his hands.

"Doesn't look like much of a place to start our noble quest," Bret said, eyeing the structure. "Hmph, no more than two stories high it looks. Bit small for a castle."

"Oh, I don't know," their gnomish companion said, pushing forwards to peer at the ancient keep. He wore bright purple and orange robes, and had a gun belt and holster strapped around his ample middle. "Sometimes the most harmless looking things hide the nastiest of surprises. Why, this reminds me of a story ..."

"Whoa, look at the time," Bret said, gazing up at the sun as it moved just a bit past the mid-day mark. "We'd best get moving if we want to reach the keep before, er ..."

"Early afternoon?" Karka said, winking at the gnome. "Well, Gunter can tell us a story while we walk. It will make the time go faster."

"What story? Oh, right. Harmless things, dire magics. Well, my second cousin, once removed on my mother's side, Fred, a lovely girl, it's a shame that her nose was so small. Little bitty thing, you could barely see it, and it spoiled her looks something awful. See, Fred was in an old wizard's library, she wandered in quite by accident, and anyways the door wasn't even locked, and found a harmless, little book. Not one to put something down without seeing what it was first, terribly curious Fred was, never did listen to the tales of Aunt Feline, well she took a peek inside the cover, just a quick look, what harm could it do? Well, fwoosh, bang, faster than a speeding bullet, poor cousin Fred was sucked into a hellish dimension ..."

"Which hellish dimension?" Karka prompted when Gunter paused to breathe. "There are an awful lot of different ones."

"The absolute, worst, most horrid dimension you could ever imagine," Gunter replied, shuddering. He looked around furtively, and dropped his voice to a whisper. "Have you ever wondered where Griffins go when they die? Poor cousin Fred doesn't, not anymore."

"Shut up, Gunter," Bret growled. They had reached the walls of the keep. "You're spoiling my dramatic moment of triumph."

"Onwards to glory," Karka said with a smirk. "Lead the way, oh great leader."

Bret stepped forwards confidently, and then stopped as a look of puzzlement spread over his face. "The drawbridge is closed. How do we get in?"

"Climb?" Karka offered, looking dubiously at the thin vines that crawled up the stone walls.

"You two twits are lucky to have Gunter, inventor/thief spectacular, helping you," Gunter said, rolling his eyes. "These old castles always had other entrances, at least one that the servants could use to stay out of the way of the noble prigs."

After a great deal of cursing, they finally made their way through the undergrowth that surrounded the castle and found a hidden entrance leading into the keep. Bret stepped eagerly forwards to meet his destiny. His companions followed him, somewhat less eagerly.

Two hours, half a dozen gibberlings, three spiders, and one slime mould later, even Bret was willing to concede that the reality of adventuring was less than glamorous. "There's no sign of any sleeping damsel on this floor," he finally admitted. "We'll have to try upstairs."

"But the prophecy hinted we'd find her on the lowest level of the keep," Karka said.

"Get going," Bret said, prodding his brother in the back with his hammer. "I'm beginning to think that prophecy's a bit of a crock."

"If we're lucky there'll still be some treasures on the second floor; we can at least make a profit from all this drudgery," Gunter said, sighing. "Seeing as this floor's been stripped clean of anything worthwhile."

The second floor was even barer than the first, and the disgruntled adventurers were discussing whether they should give up before or after venturing onto the roof. Fortunately, before they left in defeat, Gunter went through all the rooms again and found a hidden panel behind a mouldy wardrobe in what was once a spacious, stately bedchamber.

"Come on," he shouted as he hurtled through the door. There was a moment of silence, a shriek, one gunshot, and then the cursing began. "Damn, damn, damn bloody gun jammed again. Help!"

Bret and Karka rushed down the tunnel and up a short flight of steps into a darkened, cavernous chamber where their friend was backed against the wall nervously eying a gigantic figure. There was a moment of silence when the two dwarves studied the scene, and then they erupted into laughter.

"It's only a statue," Bret said, lighting a torch to illuminate a silver-coloured statue of an armoured knight with the symbol of Helm prominently twinkling on his chest.

"Looked like a bloody great monster in the dark," Gunter muttered as he stood glaring at the pistol in his hands. "It's not my fault my night-vision is as poor as a human's."

Karka looked at the gun that Gunter was now prying apart, and patted his own musket with a gesture of loving pride. "Why don't you just go back to using a standard pistol? That toy of yours is dangerously unreliable. You're going to get yourself killed someday when it jams at the wrong moment."

"Oh, but when it works right it's a wonderful, magnificent weapon," Gunter said, snapping the pistol back together. "I tell you, my repeat-shot pistol will make that sorry stick of yours obsolete some day."

"Sure, Gunter," Bret said absently as he studied the statue. "Y'know the only colour on that thing is the golden flail in his right hand. I think it's a real weapon; a right beauty, too."

"You fight with an axe," Karka said when Bret started clambering up the statue to reach the weapon. "What do you want a flail for?"

"We can always sell it," Bret grunted as he touched the flail and tried to wrest it free of the statue's grasp. Suddenly, an ear-piecing shriek rang through the room, and Bret fell off the statue, hitting the floor with a thud. "What in the hells was that!"

"I don't know, but it came from this direction," Gunter called as he cautiously walked down the corridor. He poked his head into a small room, and found a steep set of stairs leading downwards. "Yep, no doubt about it. The sound came from down below. Looks like these stairs go lower than the first floor."

"Oh, come on," Karka said. "Who puts stairs to the cellar on the second floor of a castle?"

"Doesn't matter," Bret said, peering down with a serious look on his face. "We're going down."

"I don't know, Bret," Gunter said in a shaky voice. "That wasn't the shriek of anything mortal. It might be dangerous. Really dangerous."

"We don't have a choice," Bret said, thumping the gnome on the back. "We have to find a way to fight the evil sweeping over our lands. Or more will die like the Fentan family, and no one deserves a death like that."

"Downwards, then," Gunter sighed, and followed the two dwarves into the gloomy depths of the old castle.

"This isn't too bad," Bret said as they stood in what seemed to be an old storeroom. Several crates, empty to Gunter's disgust, were strewn around the room and a thick layer of dust covered everything. "Weird smell, though. Sort of musty."

"Smells like Great-gran," Karka remarked, sniffing the air.

"Like I said, sort of musty."

"This, however, is a bloody crypt," Karka said, peering through a door into the next room. "I think it's been looted. The tomb's open and it's empty."

"Nice coffin," Bret said, walking over to investigate the tomb. "I think those cushions are silk. They must be magic, or they'd have crumbled with age. I wonder if they'd be worth anything."

A cry of outrage greeted Bret's words, and they all turned as a shambling figure, dressed in a tattered blue robe, stepped out from the far corner of the crypt. "Invaders! Invaders in my home!" it shrieked.

"It's a zombie!" Bret shouted, stepping back.

"No it's not, zombies are squishy; this one's all dry. A mummy maybe? Can you shoot a mummy?" Karka said, looking dubiously at his musket.

"It's a lich, you numbskulls!" Gunter yelled, hunting through his pack.

"Oh crap, we're all gonna die. We're all gonna die," Bret mumbled.

"Relax, my Uncle Jan's patented undead dissolver will take care of it," Gunter said triumphantly as he tossed a purple vial at the advancing lich. It landed squarely on the thing's head, covering it with a sticky solution that sparkled brightly.

"My hair!" the lich shrieked. "My beautiful hair!"

"Hair?" Bret said, staring curiously at the lich. There were indeed a few stringy, red things hanging from the lich's head that might be called hair.

"I'm going to sue Uncle Jan! If we get out of this alive, hells, even if we don't. I'll come back from the dead just to sue the old fraud!" Gunter said.

"Shut up, Gunter!" Karka said, and then stepped towards the lich with a wide smile. "Beggin' your pardon Ma'am, uh, you are a Ma'am, right?"

"How dare you!" she said, casting a spell to remove the solution from her body. "You common ruffians come into my home, tracking in your mud, covered in ... what is that black stuff all over you?"

"This?" Karka said, looking down at himself. "Oh, it's just soot, ma'am. Residue from the gunpowder you see."

"Do not touch anything," she said.

Karka thought it would be crass, and suicidal, to mention that the lich had no business being upset over a little mud and soot when her own body parts kept dropping off her. "No, Ma'am, we're very sorry to disturb you. We're on a quest, you see."

"Why did that horrid little creature attack me?" she said, pointing an almost fleshless finger at a trembling Gunter.

"Well, you're a lich, Ma'am. And, you know, lich's are supposed to be evil," Gunter said.

"Oh, yes. That's right," she said. "I may as well just kill you. That will teach you to wake me up."

"No! No, wait, we'll be leaving just as soon as we find a beautiful damsel who's in this keep, somewhere," Bret said. "We need her to fulfill a quest, you see."

"A quest! How delightful," the lich said, clapping her hands in delight (and losing a finger in the process). "I went on a quest once, a very long time ago. I helped create a new goddess."

"Really, Ma'am?" Karka said.

"Oh, my yes. The goddess Imoen. Do you boys know what she's been up to lately? I seem to have been sleeping for quite a long time."

"You mean Mystra's Little Sister?" Gunter said. "Um, she's, been doing god things, far as I know."

"Don't patronize me, youngster," the lich said huffily. "If you don't know, just say so. Now, about that beautiful damsel you're looking for ..."

"We'd be ever so grateful if you'd help us," Bret said. "We've looked all over this castle and there's no sign of her."

"Maybe it's me you're looking for," the lich said, tossing her head in a girlish fashion, making all three males wince. "Don't you think I'm beautiful?"

"It's your nose, Ma'am," Gunter said, afraid to lie to the powerful lich. "I'm partial to large ones, myself, and you, er, don't seem to have any nose at all."

"I don't?" she said, raising a hand to her face. "Oh dear, maybe I should have become a spectre. I do like having a corporeal form, but it does become tiresome keeping track of all my parts."

"Why don't you just tell me about your quest," the lich said, mumbling some spell that brought her nose, and a couple of other parts, flying from various corners of the crypt to reattach themselves to her body.

"Okay," Bret said, stepping forwards and trying to look fearless and heroic. "There's an evil overlord that's preying on our lands ..."

"There always is," the lich said, waving a hand in dismissal. "Get to the part about the prophecy and why you're here."

"Yes, Ma'am," Bret said. "An old diviner said I was destined to defeat the evil overlord, and said my quest would start here, at the Dead Keep. She told me a cryptic prophecy about what I'd find here."

"Ooh, a prophetic riddle," the lich smiled happily. "Do tell."

"Yes, Ma'am," Bret replied. "It goes like this:

**The way to save your home lies**

**buried deep, far from the skies.**

**The answer seek from one who does sleep**

**in the bowels of her ancient keep.**

**Ask where the wingless bird flies.**

"Oh, that's dreadful," she said, pursing her lipless mouth. "Why don't they ever get a real bard to write these prophecies?"

"I don't know, Ma'am," Bret said, shrugging his shoulders. "Are you sure that's you in the prophecy? There's not some lonely, dwarven princess hidden somewhere around here?"

"You do need a woman in your group, but I'm quite certain there's no other female in my keep," the lich said coldly.

"Quit thinkin' about girls, Bret," Karka said, elbowing his brother in the ribs. "Ask her about that wingless bird."

"Wingless bird, wingless bird," the lich said thoughtfully. "That sounds like someone I travelled with all those years ago. Avian? No, Aerial? Oh, well, her name's something like that. It's been a long time since we were last together. She's been sulking ever since we buried her big lug of a husband. I offered to bring him back, and she said the most horrible things to me. Haven't seen her since. Does that help?"

"No," Bret said. "We have to know where to find this Aviery."

"Oh! Of course. That's easy, last I heard she was a high priestess in a gnomish village called Understone."

"Never heard of any Understone," Gunter said. "Where is it, exactly?"

"For goodness sakes, you're adventurers; buy a bloody map," she hissed, and then relented. "Though it wouldn't hurt to help you, I suppose. Here, I'll make you a little charm to help track the bird woman."

"There," she said triumphantly after a few minutes of tinkering at a work table. She held out a little black feather towards the, still somewhat shocked, adventurers. "This will draw you towards Airly. It just needs a little spell to activate it every morning. Now, which one of you boys is the wizard?"

"Oh dear," the lich said when the boys just looked sheepishly at the floor. "None of you are wizards? Tsk, in my day a proper adventuring party just had to have a mage. Or better yet, two, or three. I'm afraid you'll just have to find one before continuing on this quest."

"We'll hire a wizard as soon as possible," Bret said, boldly reaching out to snatch the feather from the lich's grasp. "Thank you for the help, Ma'am. We'll show ourselves out."

"Good-bye boys," the lich said merrily, waving as they edged towards the exit. "Say hello to Avis for me."

Once out of the lich's sight, the adventurers ran, with as much dignity as they could manage, through the keep until they finally stood outside. "That was strange," Gunter remarked dryly as they stood breathing the fresh air with relief.

"Yeah," Karka said. "Say, you don't suppose this wingless bird is another lich?"

"Oh goodness, no. I least, I don't think so," the lich's voice said from behind them. Karka shuddered, and turned around to see the undead mage standing between them and the entrance to the keep.

"She's an elf," the lich continued.

"Ah, thank you again for your help, Ma'am," Karka said, stepping discreetly back from the lich.

"I came after you for a reason," the lich said, frowning slightly. "What was it? Oh, yes. I came to give you this."

"What is it?" Bret said when the lich tossed a bright blue bag to him.

"Why, a bag of holding!" she answered. "Ever so useful on a quest. It's just amazing how many things you end up having to cart around."

"Thank you again, Ma'am," Bret said, as they started walking down the trail.

"Oh, wait!" she called, and ran after them.

"One more thing, boys," she said as she trotted up to them. "You need a good cleric in your party, too, or a druid if you're desperate. You will think about getting one, won't you, dears?"

"Certainly Ma'am," Bret said, and then looked at the lich who was tilting to one side. "Uh, you seem to be a bit off-balance there, Ma'am."

"Hmm?" she said, and then looked down with dismay. "Drat, I've lost a foot."

"Good-bye!" Bret called as the lich ran back the way she came, looking for her missing foot.

A few minutes later, Karka looked over his shoulder, and groaned.

"She's following us, isn't she," Bret said.

"Yep," Karka said. "Congratulations, brother. I think you've got yourself a girlfriend."

"Shut up," Bret growled.


	2. The Lich, the Witch, and the Wizard

The moon shone bright, reflecting off the helms and mail of the dwarf brothers Bret and Karka as they strode along the road, cheerfully humming a marching song. Behind them trotted a nervous-looking horse, towing a luxurious litter that was supported by four levitation discs and draped with silken curtains.

Leading the horse, with the reins carelessly looped over one arm, was the gnome Gunter. He was nose-deep in a book with the words 'A Beginner's Guide to Magic, by Jan (the Magnificent Orator) Jansen embossed on its cover. Gunter squinted as he tried to read the book in the weak light.

A snuffling sound came from the other side of the bushes that bordered the road, and Bret raised a hand to call a halt. "What was that?"

Gunter looked up and listened to the grunts and howling for a moment. "Sounds like a gibberling, or rather, a whole lot of gibberlings."

"Are they dangerous?" Bret asked just before a score of the twisted humanoids leaped out at the adventurers.

"Yep," Gunter said, dropping his book and reaching for the pistols at the holsters strapped around his middle.

"Hah!" Bret cried. "Finally, some action!"

"Joy," Karka said sourly as he shot one slavering creature, and began re-loading his musket.

"We need the practice," Bret said cheerfully as he swung his war-hammer in wide circles, keeping the howling beasts away from the two gunfighters.

"What is that racket?" a cranky voice said, clearly heard over the sounds of battle.

"Aw, crap," Bret muttered just before the newly-awakened fourth member of the party waved a hand, and all the gibberlings fell dead. "How are we supposed to become the best fighters in the realms when she's travelling with us?"

"At least we're still alive," Gunter said, and then picked up the lich's hand and handed it back to her with a courtly bow.

The lich frowned when she saw Bret bleeding from a wound in his thigh. Karka began bandaging the wound with practiced hands.

"If," the lich said primly. "You had hired a cleric, as I suggested, you wouldn't have to trust in such primitive healing measures."

"It's alright, Ma'am," Bret said. "It's only a scratch."

"Next time," she huffed. "It might be more serious, and then what would you do? Dying isn't as much fun as you young people think it is. I insist you find a proper healer to join us when we reach Riatavin. We cannot travel into the mountains without someone to watch over you boys."

"Yes, Ma'am," Bret said.

"It's like adventuring with your mother," he said sullenly after the lich was once again asleep.

"If Ma was dead, ridiculously powerful, and just the tiniest bit insane," Gunter nodded in agreement. "You know, this reminds of the time cousin Derek had to carry the lantern of filial obligation across three deserts and one sea ..."

"Forget the healing spells," Bret muttered to Karka. "We need a priest who knows how to cast silencing spells."

Finding a priest proved more difficult than Bret expected. Even with the lich hidden behind voluminous robes and a veil, no one was eager to join their party. Fortunately, the ale was good, and Bret was content to wait around drinking until the right cleric showed up. Karka, however, left the morning of the second day and returned before mid-day with a sturdy dwarf cleric whose lush, golden-brown beard hung past her waist.

"This here's Thordis, a priestess of Dumathoin," Karka grunted as he sat down and reached for Bret's half-finished ale.

"Welcome, fair maid," Bret said as he stood up and bowed to Thordis. "Where did you find her?" he whispered to Karka.

"Where you expect to find clerics," he whispered back. "In a temple."

"Well met," Thordis said as she looked around the tavern eagerly. "Where is the Lady Nalia Delryn?"

"Who?" Bret asked.

"She means the lich," Karka said quickly when Thordis frowned at him. "I told you she never told us her name, you're the one who seems to know her."

"There's no one else she could be," Thordis said. "At least if that bit about her aiding the goddess Imoen in her ascension was the truth. I did my acolyte studies thesis on ascended mortals, and Imoen was my main study subject. This wingless bird you're looking for sounds like the Lady Aerie, another of Imoen's companions. I've been looking for a way to serve Dumathoin, and when Karka told his story I just knew it was fated we would travel together. Why else did I feel compelled to study a human goddess?"

"Destiny, or not, now that we've got a cleric, we can get moving again," Karka said.

"Yes, I am eager to test my training against the dangers of the trail," Thordis said with a grin. Gunter opened his mouth, but decided not to tell her about the reality of travelling with a centuries old lich.

The trip to Understone, where Aerie was rumoured to be living, was uneventful. Even the black dragon they stumbled across chose to give the party leave to cross her lands after the lich spoke to her. The dragon proved more reasonable than the guards to the gates of Understone. They flatly refused to allow any of the party to enter the city, and boasted that the wards would keep out any undead.

"How rude," the lich huffed, and rolled up her tattered sleeves. "One moment, dears, and I'll take care of those gates. Perhaps an earthquake spell, or I could just summon a skeletal host to tear those stones down ..."

"We can't do that," Bret said, panic in his voice. "We're supposed to be heroes, and they're just innocent villagers."

"Are you sure?" the lich asked. "It's much easier when you can just kill everyone in your way."

"Why don't we just ask them to send a message to Aerie?" Thordis said.

"I think they already have," Gunter said as the guards on the parapet of the gate moved aside and a slender, white clad elf stepped forwards.

"Foul creatures," she cried out in a musical voice. "Begone from this peaceful village!"

Her voice rose up in a prayer and a light quickly formed around her body, and spread outwards towards the adventurers at the gate.

"Relax," Thordis said when Gunter and the dwarves dove for cover. "That spell won't work on living people, just undead."

"That's too bad," Bret said sadly when the light swept over the lich and her form crumpled into dust. "I was getting used to her."

"Nalia Delryn isn't so easily destroyed," Thordis said with a smile as she pointed at the swirling dust cloud that was forming into a humanoid shape.

"I thought that was her," the elf said with a sniff as she appeared in front of the party. As one, they stepped back from the still-glowing figure.

"Lady Aerie?" Thordis said hesitantly.

"I am she," the elf said, keeping an eye on the reforming lich. "And you are travelling in poor company."

"That was not nice," the lich said as she looked down at her body. "Hmm, something doesn't seem right."

"You've got your nose and left thumb mixed up, Ma'am," Gunter said.

"Oh, yes, thank you, dear."

"What are you doing here?" Aerie said shrilly.

"The usual," the lich replied archly. "Helping others. These children are on a quest to rid the world of a tyrant, and a prophecy sent them to first me, and then you."

"There's always another tyrant," Aerie said with a sigh as she inspected the 'children'. Bret stood taller, and tried to look noble, while Thordis was gazing at her with a look that was part disbelief, and part awe. "Very well, follow me and tell me your tale. Not you, Nalia. I spent years setting up the undead wards around Understone, and I won't break them just to let you in."

"We're a team, Ma'am," Bret said to Aerie. "It wouldn't be right for us to separate."

"Don't be silly," the lich said. "It's your quest, I'm just here to help. I have no desire for her company, anyway. I'll just stay here and have a little nap."

"If you're sure," Bret said doubtfully.

"Come on, Bret," Karka said. "You know nothing's going to bother her."

They followed the wingless one to her home, trailed by a crowd of curious gnomes. Bret hefted his hammer and tried to walk with a swagger, but wound up looking more like sailor on the last day of leave than a heroic adventurer. He was taken by surprise when Aerie disappeared through an almost hidden tunnel, and stood for a moment blinking in confusion before Karka grabbed him by the sleeve and led him out into a small clearing.

"This is my garden," Aerie said with a girlish giggle, as she walked up to the statue of a prancing unicorn and gave it an affectionate pat. "How do you like it?"

"Uh," Bret said, gazing at a sea of pale pink and white. Even the grass underfoot had pink-edged leaves. The pink roses and white lilies he could handle, but the statues of impossibly cute animals and fairy creatures, with eyes that seemed to take up half their heads, were doing unpleasant things to his stomach.

"It's very bright, Ma'am," Karka said in a flat voice.

"I don't believe I've ever seen so many pink marble statues," Thordis continued. She looked at Gunter as though begging him to say something, but the gnome just shrugged and stayed silent.

"Well, you are a polite group," Aerie said with a broad smile. She pointed at the statue of a human man that was half buried by climbing vines at the far end of the garden, and raised her voice. "You don't have to spare my feelings, I built this garden for his sake."

Gunter inspected the scowling statue for a moment while silence fell over the rest of the party. "A petrification spell?" he asked the witch. She nodded in reply.

"He doesn't look like the sort who would like a ... pretty garden like this," Thordis said timidly.

"Oh no, I'm sure he absolutely hates it," Aerie said with a wicked grin as she led them into her, much more sedately decorated, hut.

"Remind me not to annoy the lady," Karka whispered to Thordis. "I'd hate to join that collection."

"I wasn't the one who turned him to stone," Aerie said lightly as she heated some tea and passed the cups to her nervous guests. "He was like that when I bought him. The silly wizard just had to challenge Elminster again, and wound up like that. You think he would have given up after the first time he was humiliated, but some people just don't learn. All to the best, I suppose, since I did get the pleasure of presenting him as a gift to my darling Minscy."

"Minscy?" Bret said in a strangled voice.

"My dear, late, lamented husband," Aerie said with a wistful smile. "But you aren't here to listen to an old woman reminisce about her past. Do tell me about this quest of yours."

Aerie listened politely to their tale, but had no idea why the prophecy had led them to her. "I do not understand, I could help you dispose of this tyrant Ehlastra, but there are many others who could do the same."

"Yes, but as we said she seems to be immortal. Many have tried to destroy her but nothing seems to harm her; not blade, poison, or disease. Are you sure you don't have, I don't know, a sword of certain death, or something, hidden around somewhere?" Bret asked.

"Don't be silly, I don't use swords." Aerie thought for a moment. "Although I do remember a Fire Giant who was unkillable, until we killed him, but I do not quite recall how."

"We haven't any other leads, please do try to remember," Bret said with a hint of desperation in his voice.

Further talk did not yield any answers, and it was an unhappy group that accepted Aerie's offer of a place to stay for the night. They settled in for the night, but Karka was soon woken by Gunter hissing in his ear. "What?" he said crossly.

"I have a scroll of stone to flesh," Gunter whispered. He sighed when Karka only stared at him with total confusion. "We've been assuming the prophecy meant for us to find Aerie, but maybe it was the man in the garden we were meant to find."

"Don't you dare," Karka barked. "How do you know you won't be awakening a worse evil than Ehlastra? The man fought Elminster!"

"Exactly," Gunter said. "And Elminster was practically invulnerable, so anyone who fought him must have been very powerful."

"Or been completely insane," Karka added as he made a grab for the gnome. Gunter was out the door before Karka could untangle himself from the bedcovers. He was struggling to open the door Gunter had locked behind him, when an explosion rattled the walls of the hut.

"What's going on?" Bret said as he stared at the smoke that was curling in under the door.

"We might be in trouble," Karka said as another explosion burst outside. He stepped aside when a white blur flew through the room, and rushed out into the garden.

"Where's Gunter?" Thordis asked. Karka shrugged and pointed out the door. Thordis walked out without pausing, followed by two unhappy dwarves.

The garden was a blackened ruin. Aerie stood in the far corner cursing and jabbing her finger at a soot covered mage. "That must be the wizard who was petrified," Karka mentioned.

"How did he get loose?" Bret said swinging his hammer menacingly.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Gunter piped up weakly from behind a stone bench. He crawled out, and vainly tried to brush the soot off his clothes. "Turns out the wizard's both powerful **and** insane."

"How unusual," Karka said when the lich appeared in a flash of light.

"Right," Gunter said, crawling back behind the bench.

"Those fireballs lit up the sky," the lich said worridly. "Bright enough to let me transport here. What's going on?"

"I," the wizard said with a sneer. "Am simply taking my leave of the plucked chicken and her disgusting garden. (Dear gods, the horror, the horror.)"

"Addie!" the lich squealed and threw herself at the stunned wizard. He looked into her decaying face, and stepped back with a look of disgust on his face.

"Edwig?" the lich said with dismay.

"I cannot believe you had the skill to achieve Lichdom, you pampered wench," he said. "(I could do the same, of course I could.)."

"It's called talent," the lich said smugly. "I could teach you some things, if you ask nicely."

"You must have had divine assistance," he said sulkily.

"Jealous, Edwin?" Aerie said with a snort.

"Nonsense," Edwin replied, casting a spell that cleaned his robes. "A simple transformation, well within my own capabilities. I am simply loath to deprive the world of my superior, living, masculine presence."

"A bit scrawny to be boasting," Bret said, puffing out his chest.

"Don't taunt the insane, powerful mage," Gunter hissed from behind the bench.

"The insane, powerful, and **evil** mage," Thordis added.

"Let me guess, another one of Imoen's companions?" Karka said sourly.

"Edwin the Arrogant, an evil tempter, sent to test Imoen's desire to do good," Thordis said. "He aided her, but forever tried to steer her towards the path of evil."

"Who are you nattering chimps?" Edwin said, turning to look at the youngsters.

"They're on a quest," the lich said brightly. "It's ever so much fun."

"I don't suppose you've heard of a woman named Ehlastra?" Bret asked with just a slight quaver in his voice.

"I care nothing for your petty squabbles," Edwin said, turning away.

"Edwin knows something," Aerie said. "You can see it in his eyes."

"I have better things to do than stay here," Edwin said with a smirk and turned to leave.

"I think not," Aerie said as she twisted a bracelet around her wrist. Edwin started choking and clawed at a chain around his neck. His eyes burned fire as they glared at Aerie when she touched the bracelet again. "Restraining collar. I took precautions in case you were ever brought back to life. You will do what I tell you do."

"Did you play these deviant games with your oafish paramour?" he said with a leer.

"Slavery is contrary to International Law as outlined in the Thayvian Conventions," Thordis said sternly. "I must protest."

"The what?" Edwin asked, staring at her with his mouth hanging open. "How long have I been frozen here? What's happened to Thay?"

"Thay is a shining example of justice and equality to all the lands," Aerie said in a cloyingly sweet voice.

Edwin shuddered. "How depressing. I'll have to take over, and bring them back to glory again."

"You see?" Aerie said to Thordis. "It's much better if he's chained."

Thordis looked stubborn, and crossed her arms as she glared as Aerie. "Then try him for his crimes, and lock him up."

"What crimes?" Edwin said haughtily. "Only brutish thugs cannot work within the law."

"All right," Aerie said. "Give us your word you'll help the youngsters destroy this Ehlastra, and I'll let you go. No overthrowing Ehlastra and taking her place, either."

Edwin thought for a moment, tugged on the collar, and then snarled. "Agreed."

"What do you know of this Ehlastra?" Bret said eagerly.

"Something those two should know," Edwin sneered. "However, it seems I am the only one whose memory hasn't deteriorated with age. Ehlastra was a slave we rescued from Yaga-Shura ..."

"The unkillable Fire Giant," Aerie added. "And now Ehlastra is unkillable too."

Edwin scolded Aerie for interrupting him, and then continued. "The woman learned how Yaga-Shura removed his heart to make himself invulnerable, and no doubt has done the same."

"So all you have to do is find her heart, and that will make her vulnerable," Aerie finished for him. She stuck her tongue out at Edwin when he glared at her.

"Uh, how do we do that?" Bret said.

"I have no idea," Aerie said.

"The pattern is clear," Thordis said.

"It is?" Bret said, looking completely confused.

"It all ties in to the goddess Imoen's ascension," Thordis said brightly. "A link to an old foe; her old companions. We should seek out the remaining living members of Imoen's group." She took another look at the lich. "The remaining existing members of the group, I mean."

"Now," Thordis said. "I know Minsc and Lord Anomen are dead. Did either of them come back in any form?"

"I should say not," Aerie said tightly.

"Insisted on meeting Helm, the stubborn man," the lich said sadly.

"Alright, that leaves the Great and Noble Mazzy Fentan," Thordis said. "What happened to her?"

"She's haunting the ruins of Long Tower Keep up north," Aerie said. "Now that you mentioned her, I do recall one of her letters said some warlord left her treasures for Mazzy to guard."

"I don't suppose one of you powerful mages can transport us there?" Bret said.

"It doesn't work that way, dear," the lich said.

"Don't worry, I've got lots of tales to entertain you with on the journey," Gunter said with a wink.

"And there's always dwarven marching songs," Karka added.

"Please, petrify me again," Edwin said pleadingly to Aerie.


	3. Riddles and Ghosts

The air was crisp with the first frost of fall when the small party trudged along the overgrown road that would lead them to the ruins of the Long Tower Keep. The quiet of the woods rudely broken by two lusty, deep voices singing merrily:

_Oh, the noble hero Bret, he had a dozen men,_

_He marched them all to **Aglarond** , and marched them back again._

_And when they're there, they're there,_

_And when they're here, they're here,_

_And when they're only half way there,_

_They're neither here nor there._

"Very funny," Bret said as he led his party over the road. Behind him, Karka and Thordis continued singing:

_Oh, the noble hero Bret, he had a dozen men,_

_He marched them all to **Baldur's Gate** , and marched them back again._

_And when they're there, they're there,_

_And when they're here, they're here,_

_And when they're only half way there,_

_They're neither there nor here._

_Oh, the noble hero Bret, he had a dozen men,_

_He marched them all to **Cormyr** , and marched them back again._

_And when they're ..._

"Enough!" Bret roared as he halted and turned to glare at his grinning brother. "Are you planning to go through the whole alphabet?"

"Probably," Karka said with a shrug. "All we've been done since we left Trademeet is march from one place to another."

"Adventuring is a lot less exciting than I expected," Thordis said with a sigh. "Weeks on the trail, and not even a hint of trouble."

"Just a lot of walking," Gunter said with as he stopped pulling the floating litter, and dropped to the ground with a groan. "I wish it was over."

"Stop complaining, and get moving again, you lazy louts," Edwin said crossly as he stuck his head out from the lich's enclosed litter that had been expanded to make room for Nalia and Edwin. "Young people today have no stamina," he said to Aerie who was now sitting beside him.

"Indeed," Aerie said, nodding in agreement. "Why back in our day, we travelled for months on end, through cities, swamps, dungeons, and even the Underdark, and bore it all without complaint."

"Hah," Edwin snorted, turning to smirk at the elf. "I was referring to my own youthful stamina. You were one of the whiniest wenches I ever had the displeasure of travelling with. It was all: my feet hurt, the sun's too bright, it's too dark, oh my poor, lost wings."

"As though you were any better," Aerie huffed. "Forever griping about the people, the food, the company, and almost fainting every time you got a hangnail."

"Deluded female. It was you who shivered in fear at the sight of a mere kobold."

"Oh please. You were hiding from a single, solitary Cowled Wizard when Gorionsdotter took pity on you."

"Gorionsdotter begged for my assistance, and you know it, you slanderous slattern."

"Do you two want to be alone?" the lich asked sweetly.

Edwin sputtered, and then waved imperiously at the dwarves and gnome watching him. "Get moving again, you minions."

"They're not minions, dear, they're my apprentices," the lich said, waving cheerfully at the dwarves. "Be nice."

"Oy, I'm a fighter, not a swishy magic thrower," Bret said.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Karka added quickly.

"Oh, well, I've been teaching one of you some spells, haven't I?" the lich asked.

"That would be me," Gunter said.

"Yes, yes, and the mini monkey wench is Aerie's little protégé," Edwin said crossly. "But the two meatshields are just minions."

"That doesn't sound right," the lich said thoughtfully. "Minions are nasty, evil creatures that serve other nasty, evil things. Maybe they're henchmen?"

"Don't be silly, henchman is just another word for minion," Aerie said. "Followers, or mercenaries, would fit them better."

"Hey! It's my quest!" Bret said. "You lot are helping me!"

"Of course, dear," the lich said soothingly. "Do try to keep the noise down, it's dreadfully difficult to sleep when you children are chattering so much."

"Shall we continue, oh mighty leader?" Karka asked snidely when the curtains of the litter fell closed again.

"No more singing," Bret said gruffly.

"I still don't see why we couldn't all ride in that thing," Gunter asked crossly as he picked up the reins to the levitated litter.

"Masters ride, minions walk," Edwin answered. There was the sound of a swat from inside the litter and muffled curses as the party moved on again.

It was a very tired, and relieved, party that finally reached the ruins of Long Tower Keep, the place rumoured to be haunted by the Great and Noble Mazzy Fentan. "Peaceful place," Bret said, eyeing the overgrown fields that were once farmland.

"I'm not surprised," Aerie said cheerfully, climbing out of the litter to walk through the light layer of snow that covered everything. "Mazzy does like her solitude."

"You don't say," Bret said, halting to stare at a row of staked skeletal heads that surrounded the remarkably well-preserved stone tower that served as the late halfling's home. "Maybe something else is here besides your old friend."

He eyed the door distastefully. "We'd best see what's inside."

"Won't be easy," Gunter said after darting around Bret to study the door into the tower. "This door is warded by magic."

"Can't you just pick the lock?" Bret asked.

"Warded by magic, I said," Gunter said. He spent some moments studying a complex arrangement of coloured tiles in front of the door. "These tiles must be pressed in the right order to open the door. There's a riddle here that tells us how to do it."

"Riddles and puzzles are often used to test the resolve and mettle of adventurers," Thordis said.

"I'd rather fight a horde of monsters," Bret said, trying to read the riddle written on the door. "We have a tyrant to destroy, and must waste our time on this twaddle."

"I'll figure it out, eventually," Gunter said without enthusiasm.

"Eddie's smart, he can solve the riddle," Aerie said.

"Why bother?" Edwin said, yawning.

Gunter sighed and turned back to the door, trying to determine what green rubies, blue butterflies, and pink trolls had in common. He was pulled out of a trance-like state of concentration when Karka grabbed his collar and hauled him away from the door. He looked around frantically, and froze at the sight of an immense, blindingly bright being towering over Edwin. Gunter averted his eyes from the creature that was more beautiful and terrible than any mortal creature.

"Open that door," Edwin said in a bored voice.

"YES, MASTER" the being said, before bowing and walking over to the door that shattered under one blow of its sword. "WILL THAT BE ALL, MASTER?"

"Open any other doors in there, and then you may consider yourself dismissed," Edwin said haughtily.

"What ... what," Gunter stammered moments after the being disappeared down the corridor. The echoes of thunderous footsteps drifted out the gaping hole that used to be a door. "What was that?"

"A fiend, a fallen Planater I believe," Thordis said, awe shading her voice.

"He summoned a celestial (or is that ex-celestial) just to open a door?" Gunter squeaked as he eyed the wizard currently buffing his nails on his sleeves.

"Whatever works," Karka said blandly. "Door's open now."

"Door's **gone** now," a deep, chilling voice said from inside the tower. "Who sent that ungainly brute into my home?"

A horrid creature strode forth, it's scorched, black armour reflected no light, and red eyes glowed from a dark, nearly fleshless skull. The stones beneath its feet shook in what looked like a futile effort to avoid the terrible apparition. Gunter squeaked, and stepped behind a shaking Bret and Karka. "A Death Knight," Gunter moaned.

"Dumathoin protect us from this evil," Thordis prayed, grasping her mace.

"Hi, Mazzy!" Aerie said brightly.


	4. Of Death Knights and Tyrants

"The irritating Half-a-Paladin has become Half-a-Death Knight," Edwin said, while looking at Mazzy with a leer. "I approve, the doxy has never looked better."

"Watch it wizard, I rarely let those who mock me leave my sight in one piece," Mazzy hissed.

"Apologize, Eddie," Aerie said. "Mazzy has not been the same knightly warrior we travelled with since she went on a rampage of destruction through the town of Headhurt."

"Pft, my ankles are shaking in terror," Edwin said while trying to subtly search through his scroll case. "Protection from undead, hmm, let's see, I know I've got it somewhere," he mumbled.

"What happened to make you fall from the righteous path?" Thordis timidly asked Mazzy.

"Arvoreen had no cause to strike me down," she said with a sniff. "I was well within my rights to chastise that horrible town. I spent all my life proving my mettle in battle against the most fearsome of foes, and still everywhere I went people made snide little remarks about how tall I was. After I went to a great deal of trouble saving those ungrateful townspeople from the incursion of Marta's Shadow Army, they had the audacity to give me the title of 'Half-Hero of Headhurt'. Enough was enough; I knew it was my duty to show those fools that height means nothing. I brought all those mockers to their knees inside of an hour."

"She means that literally," Aerie interrupted. "Chop, chop, choppity chop, and the town carpenter had months of exhausting work ahead of him; making artificial legs for all of Mazzy's victims."

Gunter applauded. "Well done, I approve. What a story of treachery and betrayal that was. The tale of the noble hero unfairly punished by a spiteful god."

"You can't mean that," Thordis whispered in horror to Gunter.

"Shh, play along, no need to upset the guardian of the Heart," he whispered back.

"I heard that," Mazzy said. "So you think to trick me with false words of praise, and then loot my treasure horde, do you?"

"No tricks, my Lady Knight," Bret said. "We're on a quest you see ..."

"So if you'll kindly hand over that tyrant's Heart, we'll just be on our way," Bret said hopefully after he finished telling Mazzy his tale.

"Hand it over?" Mazzy said, starting to growl as she laid a hand on her sword hilt.

" ... Please?"

"I vowed to keep that heart safe, and Mazzy Fentan always keeps her word. You shall not have it while there is unlife left in my sword arm!"

Bret stepped back and waved a hand towards Mazzy's former companions. "Would you mind helping us out here?"

"It's your quest, dears. It just wouldn't be right for us to interfere. Not right at all," Nalia said.

"That's not the way it works, I'm afraid," Aerie agreed. "This is your destiny, and your test. If you fail to defeat the Heart's guardian, then your cause will be lost."

"Next time some old diviner wants to talk to you - just throw a few coppers at him and run away," Karka said to Bret with a scowl. "Liches, Archmages, Death Knights, Evil Overlords. And us without even one 'Bullet of Instant and Unavoidable Destruction' to even the odds a bit."

Bret straightened his shoulders and looked Mazzy in the eyes. "I will not fail my duty to my people! This is your last chance, foul undead abomination, hand over the Heart of Ehlastra or we will send you to your final rest!"

Edwin smirked, looked over at Bret and his companions, and then turned to Aerie and bet that Mazzy would slay them all before they had time to draw a single breath.

"Oh, I'm sure they'll last much longer than that," Nalia said cheerfully. "Although we should move away from the battlefield. I do detest cleaning blood stains off my gown. It's such a wearying spell to cast."

Gunter whimpered softly as he watched his best hope of surviving the fight walk away. Bret looked down at the gnome, slugged his shoulder, grinned, and then lifted his warhammer high and pointed it at Mazzy. "Alright, lads. 'Tis naught but a skeleton who stands in our path. Let's take 'er down!"

"Idiot," Karka muttered as he shot Mazzy in the chest. She stumbled slightly, and Karka started reloading as Bret ran towards her.

While Karka and Bret fought the red-eyed abomination, as effectively as a gnat would fight a giant, Gunter and Thordis looked at each other, and then both started chanting incantations.

Less than a minute later, both the fighters were lying unconscious on the ground and Gunter and Thordis had disappeared.

Trying not to breathe loudly, Gunter crawled behind a woefully small bush and cursed silently when he felt his spell of invisibility lift. "I can see you," Mazzy sang. "Or I should be able to see you, wherever are you hiding, you dishonourable deserters? Be brave and I may only kill you a little bit."

Gunter jumped when he felt a light touch on his shoulder. "Quiet," Thordis said as she dropped down beside him while keeping an eye on the Death Knight. "I don't have anymore sanctuary spells. Or much else. All I have left to fight with is a single doom spell. How about you?"

"Come out and fight, cowards," Mazzy shouted as she stood over Karka and Bret. "Run away and I will slay your companions and stake their heads out with my other trophies."

"We can't fight her!" Gunter said. "Run?"

"She is still Mazzy Fentan, even if she's not quite as noble as in her legend," Thordis said. "There must be some way we can reason with her."

"The Fentans," Gunter said, and smacked himself in the head. "I'm an idiot." He stood up and walked towards Mazzy. "Hey, Mazzy Fentan, my time spent studying the roots of this bush reminded me of a story. A story with, uh, many roots that dig into the, um, darkness beneath the surface. The story of how the brave and noble clan Fentan was brought to a most horrific end by the tyrant called Ehlastra."

"What was that about my family, gnome?" Mazzy thundered. "Speak now, and no tricks."

"Ah, don't tell me your latest employer neglected to mention her greatest triumph to you," Gunter asked as he hooked his thumbs in his belt and stopped talking.

Mazzy growled when the silence stretched on too long. Thordis groaned and poked Gunter in the side. "Teasing the undead is unwise. Get on with it," she said.

"Right then," Gunter said, and drew in a breath. "It was a dark and dreary night, many nights, and many dreary days too, come to think of it, when the evil tyrant named Ehlastra did come to our lands and with great malice, and, well, mostly with a lot of money and a really good real estate agent, took control of all the trade roads, and started charging a most outrageous toll to all who travelled them. As the merchants wailed and raised their shop prices, and the common folk did suffer as the costs of turnips and all other needed things rose beyond their reach, one clan, and one clan alone, in all the lands, did prove to be a most irritating thorn in the tyrant's side.

While others chose to challenge Ehlastra's control in the courtrooms and boardrooms of the land, the clan Fentan did seek to challenge her in ways both faster and much more effective. Ways that even Ehlastra's lawyers could not stop. Clan Fentan had the audacity to lead merchant caravans through the wilderness from town to town so that they did bypass the roads and thus did the clan Fentan deprive the tyrant of her much beloved road tolls.

Ehlastra's people did counsel patience, but the tyrant dismissed them all, and instead invited the clan Fentan to a feast where they could 'discuss their differences and come to a mutual agreement'. Sadly, the discussion was halted when the Fentans found out, too late, that the tyrant's lawyers were also skilled mages. Mages who did have a love of polymorph spells; along with an almost unanimous love of the taste of seafood. Oh, the horror, the horror."

"THEY ATE MY CLAN!" Mazzy exclaimed.

Gunter rocked back a step. "Well, not exactly, it seems that five and twenty very angry giant crayfish are more formidable fighters than you'd think. Even when they've got the brains of, well, seafood. They got away, most of them, but that made the fishermen very unhappy. No one will eat crayfish anymore, a shame really, they're quite delicious, but no one wants to take the chance that they'll end up eating a Fentan, and it's harder than you think to find a magic caster to go through a whole crate of crustaceans casting dispels on all of them, more trouble than it's worth really.

Anyway, getting back to the point of the story, no one's dared to challenge Ehlastra directly since the Fentans met with their unhappy fate. Soon the tyrannical one moved from charging not-quite-illegal tolls to outright villainy when she proclaimed herself the absolute ruler of all the lands surrounding Trademeet. A harsh and unjust ruler, who has done many mean things to our people, too many to list at the moment, but trust me, they're really, really nasty. A few would-be heroes have had a go at assassinating her, but they soon found out that she was untouchable by any normal weapon, or magic weapon, or poison, she even survived slipping on a bar of soap in the bathing house. She's proven to be quite unkillable."

"I see," Mazzy said, and nudged a still unconscious Bret with her boot. "And I suppose I should now forgo my task of guardianship and simply give you the Heart so that Ehlastra will be vulnerable and you can avenge my clan."

"Well, yes," Gunter said.

"So be it," Mazzy hissed. "Wake these two inept fools and I will see that the Heart is snuffed out."

Once awake, Bret sulked for hours because Gunter had defeated the Death Knight. Although he was quick to turn down Mazzy's offer to fight him again.

"I'm sure he'll be glad to fight you the next time we come this way," Karka said blandly, leading his brother away from Mazzy. "Right now we need to be moving on. With the Heart of Ehlastra snuffed out we really should get home and show that unkillable tyrant that she's not so unkillable after all."

"Oh, the grand quest to defeat evil," Aerie said, turning to Mazzy with tears in her eyes. "Don't these children remind you of better days? Back when you and I stood side by side as we battled for justice and the good of all people. Give me leave, and I will end this horrid, twisted existence you are forced to live, old friend."

"Not that again. I've told you before, Aerie, this isn't a horrible existence at all. It's marvelous, actually. I spent decades always being good and honourable and nice. It's a relief to indulge in the other side. Being wicked can be fun. You really should give it a try."

"Oh, I ... I couldn't. It would just be wrong," Aerie said, as she hugged Mazzy and then turned to step into the litter. "I'm quite happy being nice. Good deeds are their own reward and all that."

"I prefer rewards that are more material in nature," Edwin said as he settled into the cushions for a nap. "Wine, wenches, and wealth."

The trip homewards proved to be almost as uneventful as the trip out. The youngsters spent their days marching and half their nights listening to long rambling lectures given to them by the old adventurers. They had just left Riataven behind, Thordis having declined the boys' offer to leave the quest and go home, when a most unsettling change in their routine occurred.

"Stop looking at me!" Edwin said that evening as he turned to see Aerie watching him with a thoughtful expression. "I realize my countenance is without peer, but your relentless staring is beyond annoying. What is the matter with you?"

Aerie leaned forwards and licked her lips. "I've been thinking about what Mazzy said. You know about being a little wicked."

"And what does that have to do with me? Go and beat up a butterfly if you want to be nasty, and leave me be."

"Oh, well, I didn't mean that kind of wicked. Perhaps I should have said I feel like being a little bit naughty."

"Get you hands off me you insipid female," Edwin squawked as Aerie's hand landed on his thigh. "(Dear gods, is she actually trying to flutter her eyelashes at me?) What's wrong you with? Why in Kossuth's name would I even think about gracing you with my formidable prowess?"

Aerie whispered something in Edwin's ear. "Oh, well, you may have a point there," he said slowly. "What say we continue this discussion in private? Away from the greedy eyes of the minions," he added, glaring at Bret's little group.

Thordis groaned and fell backwards to lie on the ground. "Dumathoin preserve us from evil."

"Why, oh why am I cursed with such wonderful hearing?" Gunter asked.

Karka stuck his fingers in his ears. "I just wish this whole thing was over."

The party marched a little faster after that night, more determined than ever to finish their quest. The journey was still far longer than they wished it to be, and Bret wasn't the only one who heaved a sigh of relief when they finally approached the gates of Trademeet.

"This is where you old guys bugger off and leave us to fight the battle, I suppose," Karka said.

"Karka, be nice" Thordis said in a chiding voice. She turned and bowed towards Aerie, Nalia, and Edwin. "We're quite grateful for all that you have taught us."

"Yes, yes, of course you are, I expect everlasting fawning and my choice of this Ehlastra's treasure, of course," Edwin said, ignoring Aerie's look of disapproval. He couldn't quite ignore Nalia when she smacked him in the head with a piece of her rib cage.

"Have fun storming the town, my dears," Nalia said. "And don't worry, if you get in too much trouble we'll patch you up. If we can't heal you, then I'm sure I can find a use for a few zombies."

Gunter turned a little green, but Bret smiled and bowed to Nalia. "Thank you for your help, my lady."

"Let's just get on with this," Karka said.

"Right you are!" Bret said brightly. He led his small group towards the stone gates, and bellowed once he arrived. "Ahoy! I, Bret Steelaxe, have come to bring an end to the depravations of the tyrant Ehlastra! Guardsmen, let us in and stand aside, our quarrel is not with you, but only with your master!"

"Are you sure they won't just shoot us?" Thordis whispered to Gunter.

"Of course they won't shoot; everyone in Trademeet knows the Steelaxes and me. They'll be more than happy to let Ehlastra destroy us." Gunter frowned. "I mean, they won't be happy if she does destroy us. But they'll be glad to let her try. No wait, I mean, mmrfl."

Thordis took her hand away from Gunter's mouth. "I get it. Now be quiet, the gates are opening."

One lone guard stepped outside; instead of a weapon, he was holding a bottle of wine in his hands. He took a drink, and then blinked at the group assembled in front of the gates. "Bret! Karka! Come in, you're late for the party."

"Party?" Bret asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

The guard slung an arm around Bret's shoulders and grinned. "Yep, the best party ever. The darndest thing happened a few hours ago. Something musta spooked that old she-troll Ehlastra. She went and threw herself on the mercy of the courts."

"Is that right."

"Word on the street is that they're planning to let her off with a couple years probation if she tells the courts where she stashed all her loot."

"She just ... surrendered," Bret said.

"Isn't it great?" The guard said with another grin. He danced back towards the town and started singing a song about the wonders of free trade.

Bret sat down and looked sadly at his warhammer. Gunter took one look at Bret's face and fell down laughing. Karka and Thordis soon joined in. They didn't stop laughing until a shrill voice interrupted them.

"What kind of battle was that? Where is this tyrant Ehlastra?" Nalia asked. "And get up off the ground; it's full of nasty, icky bugs."

Gunter chortled and waved a hand in the air. "Ehlastra just gave up. Must have realized she was vulnerable again. She turned herself in to the law before we got here."

"Unbelievable," Edwin said, hiding his face in his hands.

"They really don't make Evil Overlords the way they used to," Aerie said. "I was looking forward to watching a big, glorious battle."

Edwin peeked though his fingers at a pouting Aerie. "Perhaps we should remind these fools how it's supposed to work. I think I'll take a little trip to Thay and build myself an empire with treachery and debauchery. What say you, my little bird, do you want to be wicked?"

Aerie smiled sweetly, and then shook her finger at Edwin. "We can only be a little bit evil, no slaughtering all the peasants just because we can."

"Of course not. (Although a little torture might be fun,)" Edwin said. He held Aerie's hand briefly, and then reached for his spellbook.

"Wait, my lady," Thordis shouted as Edwin finished casting his spell. She was too late, the wizard and the witch had already stepped through a dimension door. "Oh dear. Do you think there's any chance she's just playing along and planning to slaughter the evil wizard in his sleep?"

"Sure there is," Gunter said as he patted her on the shoulder.

"Did we win?" Bret asked, looking around in a daze.

"Yep," Karka said.

Bret blinked, and then turned to their only remaining mentor, "Seeing as the danger's over and all, I believe the only thing left to do is to escort you home, Lady Nalia."

Nalia preened. "Why thank you dear, you are a gentleman. I am quite eager to meet your family. Now, which way do we go to reach your home?"

Karka pointed to a road that ran parallel to the town walls, and Nalia trotted off down it.

"Wait! I meant escort you to **your** home," Bret called as he ran after her.

"I think Great-Gran will like the Lady Nalia," Karka said with a smirk as he turned to his other companions. "Let's join the party, shall we?" Gunter and Thordis looked after the departing Lich and Bret, and then followed Karka as he led them towards the celebration.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published at FF.net 2010


End file.
